For Nipples, for Love

In the end, Larry couldn't find his straight razor.  I can never find anything, he thought.  He looked at the quiver mounds of silcone and the gauze and the disenfectant and he felt despair.  How would he give himself tits without the razor?  He wept, and tried in vain to lick his left nipple.  

Funny Little Bunny.

"I have never had it so good," Tomba said. He kicked his feet up on the desk. They were promptly smacked away.

"Now you listen here godamnit," Jan said. "That is my godamned desk and you put your legs up on it one more time and they're going to be burned in the same godamned oil can I burnt your arms in." She smacked him in the face. "Got it stupid?"

He got it, he said, and bent to the plate to start eating his ice cream best as he could with just his mouth.

The Fishing Moon

Lester stared at the thing on the floor. It was a fish fillet, possibly flounder, with a bonnet stapled to it. "What do you mean this is our child?" he asked his wife Bonnie.

"Well, after two hours of intense pain, I birthed this onto the comforter on our bed," she replied. "His name is Monroe De La Chancey." Bonnie stood, wiping fish oil from her thighs.

Lester tried not to breathe. The whole bedroom smelled like a seafood market. He decided right then, that he didn't want to know. Whatever it was, he definately didn't want to know. The world is always changing, he thought. Maybe this will change tomorrow.

Eye of the Chicken

"Now that there is sure 400 goddamned chickens," the old timer said. "Ever seen so many?"

Evan was nonplussed. "Not in my car, no. Can't say that I have." He stared at birds, writhing against each other and the windshield and the airfreshener and Evan's cream-colored leather seats. "Now what?"

The old timer handed Evan a jumbo bottle of baby oil. "Now you get in there naked." It would be a long drive indeed.

The Solution

"Ouch," Derek wheezed. He looked at his distended stomach. Soon the little baby that rode on the tiny donkey would come by and poke Derek in the stomach with an ice pick and all those puppies would come rushing out. The baby was paid to do so every other day and everyone agreed it was a satisfying arrangement.

The eye of the storm

"Shit," Joanie said at last. She was right, of course. Feces was every where you looked. And whoever the culprit was, they had eaten a lot of eyeballs.

The end of the family

"What a sweet, delicious pig," Lou's father said.

"That's not a pig," Lou said, sighing. "That's grandma."

His father looked across the broad platter of meat. "And yet," he said, examining a tender bite, "Delicious still."

Champ.

Champ stared at the little elfen fairy that stood on his desk. Just like the old man had promised, a real fairy. It shook its wings and shimmering dust fell onto the desktop. The fairy winked at Champ and then mugged and walked around the desk like a little monkey. It stopped and peed on his calculator and started chewing on one of its toes.

"Christ," Champ said. "Of all things, I get a retarded fairy." He sat down at the desk and tried to peek up its skirt. It had balls and a tiny navy tattoo. "I'm no champ at all," Champ said, and cursed being given the name of a dog.

The Jelly-Jar

Linda woke up at last, but she still felt very tired. Raul was sitting at the foot of the bed stroking her foot. He told her she had been asleep for days. A distended sack of flesh seemed to be growing from his midsection. It covered up half of Linda's left leg.

"Is that your stomach?" she asked. She moved her leg and it quivered and squeaked.

"Yeah, it just keeps growing and growing," he said.

"It must be very hard on you."

"No. It's quite soft," he said, stroking his amorphous paunch.

Linda noticed his nipples had become transparent. There was an eye behind the left nipple, and it winked at her. A tear rolled down her cheek. "When you poop," she said, "I think it will hurt a lot. But we'll have a new friend."

A love. Affair.

It was in that final moment, before all of the roast beef was gone, that Winslow realized his heart was broken no more. He no longer felt sadness or anger when he thought about his ex. Now all that was left was to tell his guests that the roast beef was actually gamey and undercooked badger, and soon they would be very sick indeed.